I saw the stars today. It wasn’t the first time but that doesn’t matter.
I saw the Sun. Burning. Orange behind distant trees. A million cowering Earths. Hopelessly far; right there. Death. Life.
I saw it. I knew.
And then I saw the Plough and the Pleiades. Orion and Taurus and Mars. Minutes. Billions of years. Me.
It felt good.
I came inside and went to bed.
“We are a way for the cosmos to know itself” – Carl Sagan.
This is the first of my past writings which I have retrieved, dusted off, and posted to this blog.
I sat down and wrote this article intending that it would go in the school newspaper, a paper which never actually ended up existing ((Perhaps more at a later date.)). Once I’d written it, I hadn’t thought about this article until today, when I found it in a folder on my desktop. I wrote it on 7th December 2008 ((At that time I didn’t seem to be doing much serious writing on this blog.)).It’s probably not the sort of thing which I would write nowadays, but after reading it through, I think it’s worthy to post here. Pretentious? Full of shit? You decide. Anyway, here it is: a (slightly edited ((“Thinking, Ideas & Creation” is the original title; I don’t like it any more but it stays.))) look into my December 2008 mind.
Nowadays, I spend a lot of my time consuming content: books, blogs, newspapers, podcasts, audiobooks, TV, films, and pretty much anything else that I can lay my hands – or eyes or ears – on. Indeed, this weekend I spent about 8 hours watching television shows, around 4 hours reading, and another few working my way through a rather interesting audiobook – “The Ghost Brigades,” by John Scalzi. These media, however dissimilar, all have something in common: some entertain me, some enrich my knowledge, but all of them prompt me to think.
In the summer of 2007, I was just starting 5th year – the first year of being a ‘senior’ at school. I was studying for my Highers, in maths, physics, French, geography and English, and the step up from 4th year’s standard grades was striking.
Naturally, we had all been warned that 5th year would be much harder, but it’s one of those strange issues. Firstly, the warning is coming from teachers – people that you inherently do not trust; after all, fear is one of their favourite tactics used for whipping kids into shape. There’s also the problem that, when you’re 15 years old, looking into the future and trying to analyse it is akin to considering how a rock can breathe. Ask me what I think University life will be like and the bewildered look on my face will tell you everything ((2010: Actually, I think I could imagine this pretty well now.)). With no experiences to draw on, thinking about the unknown is extremely difficult. Despite the reason for not accepting the warning, they were right: schoolwork was difficult and homework was plentiful. English was the primary cause.
I hated Higher English, but I also loved it. It is year at which I will look back and proclaim to be a particularly defining part of my life. It was so much more than learning how to use the English language – it taught me how to think. For others, perhaps even my beloved ‘English Crew’, it was most likely just another period in the day, but for me, I entered English each day with a strange feeling. Walking along the English corridor to room 35, I had a sensation similar to nervousness, except that it wasn’t; I think it was a mix of dread – there was a lot of work involved – but also perhaps a touch of excitement, knowing that I could leave the room an hour later a different person ((2010: OK, yes, a bit over the top I agree.)). It was not a particularly nice feeling.
I don’t know what it is that made Higher English such an important time for me. I think one aspect was being around people who I really cared for – by at the end of 5th year, most of the Crew had sat together for an hour a day for three years. We had long running jokes, great conversations, and, being intelligent people, we all learnt a great deal from each other. Over the three years, we grew up together, and I will always be particularly fond of them.
Also, my teacher was a particularly interesting and endearing character. If minds were wells, hers, though of an unimaginable depth, would be positively overflowing. Despite admitting her ignorance in many areas – notably science – her knowledge and understanding of language, history, and literature was astonishing. It was her ability to communicate her insight and to inspire us that was so important.
Today’s economies are moving to a position where the thing most highly valued is an idea. Throughout Higher English, we read texts: poems, novels, short stories, plays; and then we talked about them. And then we thought about them. And then, in essays, we communicated back our ideas.
The whole process, at least superficially, was incredibly tedious – long periods of reading, then long discussions of form and structure and word choice and imagery and onomatopoeia… and then essay writing – something which usually stole away my Sunday afternoons, and all too often took the evening, too ((2010: I always found this the hardest part.)).
Deeper down, however, we were learning a great thing – how to think. My favourite text was “Thrushes” by Ted Hughes, a short but wonderful poem contrasting man with animals. We must have focused on this poem for many weeks, slowly reading, extracting and interpreting ideas. The discussions went all over the place. Finally, when it came to writing an essay about the poem, I felt liberated – now was my chance to crystallise my thoughts and feelings. Throughout the analysis, we had been taking in ideas and thinking, but now it was time to reverse that, to express myself and my ideas ((2010: I’m really disappointed now, because I can’t find that essay. When I finished Higher English, I threw out all of my notes and jotters, but I might remember typing up my “Thrushes” essay. Maybe I’ll find it one day in this digital maelstrom of a world.)).
At first, I was not aware of the changes that had taken place in my mind – in fact I don’t think I noticed until long after my final English lesson. Looking back, however, I can see that I was learning about the power of ideas, and I was learning the skills needed to take them in, process them, make my own, and then express the result. All of a sudden, the “Marketplace of Ideas” that is so often referenced was no longer just a load of corporate bullshit. I finally appreciated that ideas really are valuable.
Although Higher English, sadly and gladly, has finished for me, the lessons that I have learned will stay with me. I didn’t leave at the end with my writing or speaking particularly improved, but it was my thinking which had changed. I find subjects such as Geography really interesting, but in five or ten years, many of the details will be forgotten ((2010: I’ve already forgotten what malaria does to you.)). English, however, changed me. Language is one of the main differences between man and beast, it gives us the power to collect our thoughts and communicate them to others.
This is how Higher English has ruined me – it got me thinking. Before starting the course, I could get lost in a story; develop attachments to the characters, wonder in amazement at what has just happened… and at what lurks around the next corner. Now, though, I am a different person. Although I can still really enjoy stories, each character development I regard critically, each plot is twist a cause for deep thought. What are the creators trying to convey? I think to myself more and more: how would I have done that?
It’s quite annoying really – watching TV is no longer the mindless entertainment that it used to be. People who say ignorance is bliss are right. With my hunger to think, to take in ideas and develop my own, I insatiably devour content. I crave the ideas. For the past few months, that is what I have been doing in my spare time. Although school work takes up a considerable part of my time, whenever I have a spare moment, I will read, watch, listen, or discuss with others – I do whatever I can. ((2010: I want to make it clear how my feelings on this stand, right now: although I do still eagerly devour content and regard it which a much more critical eye, I don’t think it has diminished my ability to enjoy a story – although it’s made it easier to sniff out bad ones.))
Now though, I have taken in so much that I have ideas constantly swimming around my head. This causes a new sensation: I feel an urge to express myself. I want to make my own things, out of my own ideas. TV shows, articles, poems, novels, films or just sentences – anything. I want to create.
Until now, I haven’t known where to start.
Thanks for bearing with me. Other writing which I come across will also be examined for possible blog postage. And I’m really disappointed that I don’t have my old Thrushes essay. I was really proud of it. Oh well. If I ever find it, I’ll post it here.
I subscribe to the RSS feed of Murray’s blog. It can be interesting – you should check it out. His most recent post is called “How can you know where you’re going, if you ignore where you’ve been?“. It’s about his journey as an improving writer, and how you need a reference point (your past work) so that you can see if you’re improving (by comparing it to your current work). It’s sensible stuff, and a good idea ((One so good that I’ve had it myself.)).
I think I’m quite similar to Murray, both in character and situation. I’ve considered including some of my old writings in this blog for a long time ((Not because it’s ‘easy’, by the way.)). I have a wide selection that I can choose, nearly spanning my whole 15-year writing life. Murray chose to post a short story which he discovered in a notebook, written when he was 14. Here’s the first section:
A strange woman rode into town upon a donkey. She rode up the general store, dismounted and entered
“Good evening, ma’am” said Smithson. Robert Smithson was the General store’s only employee. He had worked there since his father, Robert Smithson Sr, had unfortunately died when 10 tonnes of tinned Baked beans fell on him during a delivery.
“Hello sir. Take note. By Dawn tomorrow I wish to have A new donkey, 10 tins of Baked beans, stop Blubbering man, an assistant, 3 2 litre Bottles of perrier water and a map of the county. Think you can do that,” she almost whispered
“It’s possible, I think” he replied with a tear in his eye, “By noon tomorrow I could get it done but it’s a bit 50:50 for dawn”
“I’ll see you at noon then. Make it so”
Yes, it’s bad. I cringed. But you know what? Whenever I dared to write fiction, I had the same result, and I most likely still would if I tried my hand at it now. I similarly expect past blog posts to be of a lower standard than my current ones ((Well, my serious posts at least.)), but that’s because I’ve been writing regularly. Writing takes practise, just like everything else.
Anyway, although I’ve thought about it for a while, after reading Murray’s post I’m actually going to do it: I’ll post my old writings. Where will they come from?
Let’s see what I come up with.
ASIDE: Whilst I’m on the subject of ‘bad’ writing, I want to mention Phil Plait of Bad Astronomy. He’s the author of “Bad Astronomy” ((Technically, it’s called “Bad Astronomy: Misconceptions and Misuses Revealed, from Astrology to the Moon Landing Hoax”.)) and “Death From The Skies!” ((Technically, it’s called “Death from the Skies!: These Are the Ways the World Will End…”
Fuck American publishers and their insistence on giving books a subtitle. Look at the result – an exclamation followed by a colon!: blasphemy much?)) Sure, he’s enthusiastic, knowledgable, and has the right attitude and contacts, and I enjoy reading his blog, but I just don’t think he writes very well. He’s not awful, but he has a certain style, and I wouldn’t go as far as to describe that style as “good”. I’m probably just being a dick, and it’s just my opinion, but I do find his writing off-putting, which is disappointing as his subject matter is almost always so interesting. Still, he’ll improve, and I’ve nothing but respect for the guy. He does a great job.
I really enjoy all things Charlton Brooker – his tweets, his columns ((One of which I have written about.)), his books ((Which I may review at some point.)), and his shows (principally Screenwipe and Newswipe).
When I was catching up with Newswipe last night, I laughed (in my head) all the way through this section. I think I even watched it twice:
That’s all for now.
Hello everyone. It’s me again (Wilf). I’m glad to be back.
There you go. OK. Yep. That’s what I came up with for a title. “The Relentless March of Time“. What is time? Why does it run the way that it does? What are the implications of time dilation, and the rest of relativity? Why doesn’t it in the opposite direction, with effect proceeding cause? Would it ever be possible for time to run in a different way, perhaps in a different universe? Could a universe exist without a temporal ((Shit. I’m sorry and embarrassed to say this, but I had to look up the adjective form of ‘time’. I won’t forget it again, now that my brain has involuntarily rewired itself to link it with Star Trek: Enterprise, via the abominable “Temporal Cold War“. Though, to be honest, I would love to write my own time-travel war story.)) dimension? Is there even such a thing as another universe?
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions; not fully. But that’s not what this post is about, so I will leave them for another day.
After a busy month, I’m finally settling down back into my normal life. That includes syncing my iPod Touch to my computer for the first time since October. Syncing takes long enough, but it’s the backing up that really kills me. Not only do I sync my iPod to the slowest computer in the house, it also happens to be the crashiest computer. But it’s my computer goddamnit, and I’m stuck with it for now.
Syncing The iPod has become an event in my life, on a par with Visiting The Dentist and Having My Eyes Tested ((Both of which, incidentally, are coming around shortly.)), though fortunately, because I can now download podcasts directly to my iPod, I rarely need to sync.
When I do sync, however, it leaves with in a bit of a pickle. I can’t use my iPod, and I can’t really use my computer for anything as intensive as watching TV or games. ((Like I said, it’s a slow and crashy computer.)) So what should I do with myself?
This time, I’ll use it to write a post for my blog. A few things have been on my mind or have happened recently, and that’s what I’ll write about today. I’ll note them here, for-the-record style, as the current state of my mind:
ONE
My internet-friend-cum-benevolent-overlord WiBu has once more re-relaunched his website again. I did like WiBu’s blog in its previous iteration – it had a clean appearance and it was designed to put the focus on the ideas. I often found his posts confusing, but I enjoyed reading them and having discussions in the comment section. In the new version, the comment section doesn’t seem to exist. I don’t know whether this is an oversight or a deliberate omission – I hope it is the former.
The problem with WiBu, based on reading and interacting with his blog for a month or so, is that he seems too much of a perfectionist. Perfectionism can work well sometimes ((For an example, see Steve Jobs at Apple.)), but as a general approach to life, I believe that it hinders productivity and progress. Take this blog for example: I’ve chosen a design which I like and which adequately displays my content, and I’ve stuck with it. Generally I’ve only modified it if I’ve wanted to add extra functionality to it. This has allowed me to focus on writing – a process which I treat I the same way. I want to get my thoughts out there. It doesn’t matter how skilful my use of writing is, as long as it is good enough to convey my ideas. Good enough, not perfect. If I strived for perfection, I might reach it eventually, but not without depriving another post of existence.
I’m maybe being unfair to WiBu; perhaps I’m just plain wrong. The trouble is, I can’t go back and verify my impression by reading his old posts. They’ve been deleted. I have his introductory post to go by, however:
I want IamWiBu.com to showcase who I am; I want it to represent my ideas and opinions clearly; I want to be proud of it.
I feel the same way about my blog. He says this about his blog’s previous iteration:
I never polished or really thought about what I had written. While there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with that […]
That’s what causes me some doubt. WiBu says this, but I think that his posts were too polished. Why would you need to keep “a great number of drafts” if you weren’t bothering with polishing? Just publish them, and refine at a later date if you think it would be beneficial. Give me the wheat and the chaff. Be proud of the whole you, not just the bit that you show to the world. Let me see the real WiBu.
He also says this, but I’m not sure if it really means he is striving for perfection, or if it’s just an expression:
Practice makes perfect.
And then there’s this bombshell:
The old content has been deleted
Why delete it? It was WiBu who said to me “Never delete a blog post you publish if you’re blogging for yourself.” [If you’re reading this, WiBu, doesn’t that apply to you, and if not, why not? Does your intention of “I want IamWiBu.com to showcase who I am” not require the road leading up to the current WiBu? Here ends my criticism. I hope you’re not offended, and please feel free to correct me.]
We’re different people with different interests and focuses, but it’s our enjoyment of thinking which links us. We also both happen to be at the same strange stage in our lives, the year before we start university.
I hope he continues to write.
TWO
My website has had some changes too, specifically to the sidebar:
Speaking of my Tumblr website, I’m enjoying it. When I am spending a lot of time at my computer, I can’t throw interesting links and images into my queue, which are then slowly spat out at a rate of (currently) one per day. I’ve not been spending much time on my computer recently, meaning that not much is being added, but I don’t worry about it. I have about 500 or 1,000 starred items in my Google Reader account, and when I finally start going through it I’m sure a lot of them will end up at Tumblr.
I’ll continue to update this blog with my thoughts. I’m happy with it at the moment, and not at all concerned that my posting has been infrequent.
THREE
I’m quite keen on learning to play the piano at the moment. It’s hard. We’ve had a piano in the house since August. The piano appears easy, beacuse anyone can press the keys and get a sound out of it, but there’s so much more to it.
FOUR
I wanted to write about the abnormal weather which we’ve been having, but I don’t think I have time. I’ll save it for another day.
FIVE
I am now an Uncle! My eldest sister and my brother-in-law visited over New Year. I arranged to travel back home with them and spend a week or so helping her, particularly preparing meals to freeze for when she’s too preoccupied with her baby ((Curry, chili, lasagne, stew, etc.)). It was really nice, and was my last chance to have some pre-motherhood time with her. Next time it won’t be so quiet.
Anyway, a couple of days ago I woke up to the news that I had a nephew! He’s so cute. My brother and I had bought him a Fleece. We think he’s going to love it.
I had yet another awful trip back though. By train. Perhaps I’ll write about it sometime. I was travelling for nearly 10 hours. Jeez.
SIX
I took part in the John Pearson Memorial Debate at Perth Speaker’s Club last Thursday; the 14th. I’m not too interested in the topic of the debate ((The topic was was: “This house would allow parents the right to choose the sex of their child” – I was arguing for the proposition, the side which I actually support. On a related note, my sister didn’t want to know the sex of her baby until it was born.)), but rather, I’m interested in the process of debating itself.
George phoned me when I was away on my holiday visiting my pregnant sister, and I reluctantly agreed to the debate. I’m glad I did, although it did put somewhat of a dark cloud over the rest of my holiday, knowing that I would have to debate when I got home. Taking part in a formal debate forces you to understand a topic, it forces you to think logically, it forces you to be quick on your feet, and it forces you to speak clearly and succinctly. It’s extremely difficult, but when it works, it really pays off. Maybe I’ll write more about it some time.
Did I mention that we ((George and I.)) won? Bazinga!
SEVEN
Politics. It was a shame that the Massachussetts Democrats lost the Democrat’s supermajority in the Senate, and probably imperilled real health care reform, but it seems entirely deserved. As ever, John Cole of Balloon Juice has been amusing to follow on Twitter. A couple of my favourite tweets of the past 24 hours:
Does this mean we get to fuck over Joe Lieberman now? Please?
We in the UK have our General Election this year. I look on it with absolute cynicism.
EIGHT
I’m very pleased that I’ve now received an offer from the University of St Andrews to study a Masters of Pure Mathematics. It’s probably where I’ll eventually decide to go, but first I still have much to consider.
NINE
So what of my gap year? It’s progressing rapidly, but I really don’t know.
My problem, if it is a problem, is that people have an expectation that I’m going to do something big. The thing is, I’m perfectly happy doing what I’ve been doing so far. For example, this year I’ve spent a festive week with my family at home, then a week with my pregnant sister, and now a week back at home, the majority of which has been spent continuing to create my offline iPhone/iPod Touch web app, and relaxing. That’s how I want it to be. Maybe I’ll spend the next week focused on blogging, or on reading books, or on watching a new TV series. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
I’m going to write further about my web app soon, but just a little bit here – it’s something very personal, made entirely and only for me, which no one else will ever use. It’s hardly an achievement that I can hold up and show as the fruits of my gap year, yet to me it is something which I’m proud of, and although is not going to make me any money, I’ll find it useful, I’ve learned some skills, and I’ve had fun doing it. Even if JavaScript is so fucking frustrating, especially when the functionality that I’m using (HTML5 databases) is brand new and is only supported in Safari, it’s still been fun.
I don’t feel a need to prove to others that I’m achieving things through my gap year.
That all said, I would like to do some travelling. My budget is small, so I would be limited to Europe, and I’d stay for maybe a month. I’m most interested in France, but would like to see other countries as well. My stumbling block is actually planning. I don’t have an idea of how to start or where to start. It’s procrastination good and proper, and I know that I’ll end up paying for it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
Soon. Soon.
(This is a perfect example of a section of writing which I don’t think is perfect, but which I’m willing to put out there anyway.)
TEN
What’s my life about? I’ve never really thought about it before. I don’t want to it to be about money. That’s why I didn’t become a doctor. I could have easily become a doctor (I’ve never not got an A in a subject) and had a prosperous life, but that didn’t appeal to me. Sure, I wouldn’t mind helping people, but no.
UPDATE: I’m not saying that doctors are only in it for the money – not at all. I’m just saying that I could have gone into medicine for the money, but I didn’t want to.
I want something else from life. I don’t yet fully know what it is, but it involves learning.
Just a thought.
ELVENKING
I want to add more to my blog about studying French, specifically Advanced Higher French. A year ago, I was working so hard on my French speaking, but there was absolutely no online support. I didn’t know what I should be working towards. I approached the date of my speaking exam, 18th March 2009, with dread.
French related queries happen to be the most common searches leading to this blog, and I want to help people in the way that I would have wanted to be helped. I hope I’ve not forgotten it all.
DONE
There’s so much more I want to say, but that concludes this entry in my Journal of Self-Discovery™.
I’ll see you all next time. Goodbye, and thank you for joining me.
P.S. Has my iPod finished syncing? Of course it fucking hasn’t. It crashed.
I'm a mathematician, but apart from that, I'm a fairly normal guy. I used to write a blog - this blog. I write (wrote) about whatever is on my mind. It can get quite personal sometimes.
