Read this article, you’ll love it. Charlie’s first idea is my favourite:
Title Come Alive!
Synopsis God decides to grant evangelical preacher Will Ferrell the power to heal the sick with his fingertips. But the almighty’s lightning bolt misses its target, hitting Will’s penis instead. Now Will is cursed with the miraculous ability to cure any disease or fix any injury – but only if he has full sexual intercourse with the patient. Since Will is also a 45-year-old unmarried virgin with strong views on sex outside marriage, it won’t be an easy ride!
True; this idea is as funny as it is because of what he leaves unsaid, but I can’t stop myself from imagining how such a film would progress. I think it would happen like this:
After an introduction in which God’s lightning bolt gives Will his upgrade, the film would have address one very important problem: how would Will realise that his penis is magical? A cautious writer/director might suggest God telling him directly, leaving a message on his answering machine or visiting him in a dream. That’d be shit. In the real world, there’s only one way that a man would discover that an omniscient omniprescient omnipotent supernatural being had given him a magical penis: he would have to have intercourse with a disabled or ill person, and then witness his partner’s immediate recovery (and then repeat the act in a scientifically fair manner to confirm his ability). Simple.
It would start out gently. It would have to. The disabled/ill person – possibly in a wheelchair for dramatic effect – would be a very attractive woman of 35. Perhaps money would be involved for a little subplot – we all know that preachers are not immune to certain desire and fetishes. After his first, he might help out another, and then another.
But he wouldn’t be able to stop. The sex would be alright, but his evangelical conscience would push him to help others. He’s been given this gift by God, so he must use it. The women start getting uglier, and then (much) older. Injuries and diseases become more horrific, starting with missing limbs and bubonic plague, progressing to people pulled straight from car wrecks with no discernable faces.
Then his patients would turn somewhat more male, and let’s face it, if Hollywood could stomach it, somewhat younger. Perhaps a family member would be involved. Why should it even stop at living people? Why even stop at people?
It would be the perfect exploration of one preacher’s struggle in a restrictive life in the church, trying to please God, until he finally cracks after ‘curing’ one too many poddles.
I can even see the perfect ending to this noble preacher: AIDS1.
I nominate Michael Bay as director.
Footnotes:
- Apparently not even God can cure it. ↩
